The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
