I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
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