Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
