you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
