if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
