census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
they need to just BURY HIM!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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