I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
