Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
