U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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