im six kinds of drunk right now
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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