I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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