did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
