how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
