Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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