I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
