so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize