I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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