Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
