did you get engaged???
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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