The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
