Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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