Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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