I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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