the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
