I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
