Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
