dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
