My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
