quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The air was thick with penises
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I enjoy the company of your penis
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
