I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Randomize
