we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize