In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
