Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
