woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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