uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
worst night to have a conscience
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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