You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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