I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
