I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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