well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
