omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize