508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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