He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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