OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
