Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
