If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
