I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I faked an abortion last night.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
