The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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