giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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