the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Even my vagina gasped.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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