Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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