I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
