Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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