I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
