so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
