I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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